


Last One Asleep's a Cracked Egg

by rosemarinae



Series: they're all gay [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: CWs: internalized transphobia and other queerphobia, Gen, tags removed to disable searching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 21:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20937248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosemarinae/pseuds/rosemarinae
Summary: John and Rose talk about their identities after the others fall asleep. Pesterquest Volume 4 spoilers, takes place after the victory route.thanks tragiccoyote for betaing!





	1. on gender roles

It's been a long night. You lie on the ground adjacent to Rose, with Dave and Jade passed out on the other side of the room. They both snore, loudly. Your eyes linger on their notebooks, just for a second. Dave seems to have drawn an amalgam of himself, a bird, and a... cat? Maybe? You're not entirely sure. You let out a brief puff of laughter upon noticing those dumb Stiller shades you bought him are just barely holding on to his nose. You glance at Rose. She's still awake, her purple eyes seeming to almost glow in the moonlight. You steel yourself for the upcoming conversation.  


JOHN:   
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: ....rose?  


You're not the best at whispering. Luckily, it seems Dave and Jade are heavy sleepers.  


ROSE: That took a bit longer than I expected.  
JOHN: what?  
ROSE: Nothing, don't worry about it. What did you need?  
JOHN: i was just, uh, thinking about some stuff.  


You examine your freshly painted nails.  


ROSE: What exactly were you thinking about?  
JOHN: i...  
JOHN: it's okay that i like what you did to my nails, right?  
ROSE: What do you mean?  
JOHN: like, it was supposed to be a joke, or whatever. i get that.  
JOHN: but, i dunno, something just kind of felt right about it?  
JOHN: like, i kinda had a swelling in my chest for a second there.  
ROSE: Well, I wasn't painting your nails "ironically," if that's what you're worrying about. It was merely the result of a process of elimination. Dave is simply much too cool to put up with nail polish, and Jade has torn her nails to shreds with those almost canine teeth of hers. But, to answer your question directly, yes, you're allowed to like having painted nails.  
JOHN: but aren't boys supposed to hate girls painting their nails?  


Rose lets out a long, potentially exaggerated sigh.  


ROSE: What boys and girls are *supposed* to love and hate is, quite frankly, total bullshit.  
ROSE: John, if you wanted me to dress you up as though you were trying to win a beauty pageant, long, flowing dress and all, there would be absolutely nothing wrong with that, regardless of what society might tell you.  


You blush. Why are you blushing?  


JOHN: i mean, ugh. you're right.  
ROSE: I often am.  
JOHN: but it feels like there's something more than that! like, letting your friend paint your nails is a girl thing, and i liked that it was a girl thing! isn't that weird?  


Rose says nothing for a moment. She's definitely deep in thought, like you've said something that requires a lot of processing power. Eventually, she speaks.  


ROSE: What else has made you feel this way?  
JOHN: i... i don't know. i don't think i’ve felt quite like this before.  
JOHN: though, when we picked up dave, i just...  
JOHN: i think after watching so many movies i had internalised that "slumber parties" were a girl thing, y'know? like, yeah. all that stuff you said about gendering activities is totally true, and binary categorisation is problematic, blah blah blah. but still, i just. i wanted to be a part of a girl thing? and dave being here kind of shook me from that.  
ROSE: Anything else?  
JOHN: umm, not really anything else in recent memory. i don't really think about this stuff a lot, it kind of freaks me the hell out.  
ROSE: We'll save the whole "don't bottle up your emotions" talk for another day. Would you like me to explain my current theory?  
JOHN: i mean, that's why we're talking, isn't it?  
ROSE: I suppose so.  


Rose sighs again.  


ROSE: John, it seems to me that it's not anything in particular about painting your nails that you find appealing.  
ROSE: It seems like, perhaps, it's the idea of something being a "girl activity" that you're so attached to?  


Your chest swells like it did earlier today, but this time it's saturated with anxiety.  


ROSE: And, while that is also entirely okay, it does open up, well, several new lines of reasoning that might be more emotionally intensive.  
JOHN: i...  
JOHN: rose i definitely am attached to girl activities.  
ROSE: And?  
JOHN: does this mean...  
JOHN: does this mean i'm gay?


	2. on sexuality and gender

ROSE: John.  
JOHN: rose.  
ROSE: John, I know this is an important moment for you, and you’re unlocking the door on the cage that is your soul, but I need to tell you this: that was one of the dumbest things you’ve ever said to me.  


You try to speak, but are immediately interrupted as she continues.  


ROSE: Whom you are romantically attracted to, whom you are sexually attracted to, and your gender presentation are entirely unrelated elements of your identity.   


You scoff a little.  


JOHN: yeah, but don’t gay people like female things because they want to date dudes?  
ROSE: Taking into account what we’ve already covered, why would people do that?   
JOHN: i don’t know, maybe they still have normal feelings about gender roles like i did!  
ROSE: I’m going to ignore your irritating use of the word “normal” and just ask you a single, easy question.  
ROSE: Are you attracted to men?  
JOHN: no! dave is cool and all but there is no way in hell i would kiss his constantly chapped, oddly puckered, incredibly dry lips.  
ROSE: I didn’t mention Dave, but, for the sake of moving on, I’m going to violate my core principles and not read into that.  
ROSE: So, then. If you’re not attracted to men, why would you be gay?  


You’re stunned for a moment. If you’re not gay, then what would feeling this way make you? A dude who wears dresses? Some part of that just stings. Your whispering turns to whisper-yelling.  


JOHN: when did you become an expert on sexuality anyway? you’ve been calling dave gay for years and he’s clearly got a crush on jade!  


Rose rolls over in her sleeping bag and turns to glare at you. Despite the dim light, her stare pierces your soul.   


ROSE: John, for fuck’s sake, I’m a lesbian.  


The room returns to silence for a long while. Her words hang in the air. It feels like your total perception of her has been shattered. You’ve seen the chatlogs between her and Dave, and you always just assumed it was flirting. You assumed a lot of things about her. About all of your friends, really. It begins to click in your mind that perhaps you might have assumed a few things about yourself, too.  


JOHN: shit, rose, i…  
JOHN: i’m sorry. that was super uncool of me. i’m just trying to figure this stuff out.  


Rose sighs for what must be the millionth time since you first met her in person.  


ROSE: I know, John. It’s just...  
ROSE: What you’re going through now brings back memories of my own revelations just over a year ago.  
ROSE: It can be irritating to see someone confronting biases that you’ve already defeated yourself.  
ROSE: Despite that, it’s still unfair for me to lash out at you, especially when you’re so vulnerable.  
JOHN: it’s okay.  


A few more moments of silence pass. Rose doesn’t seem to know what to say next. You can’t just let things lie like this, though.  


JOHN: if, uh, it’s okay for me to ask and all-  
JOHN: when did you know?  
ROSE: Well, there’s never really just one moment, is there?  
ROSE: I would say I had it entirely figured out by my most recent birthday.  
ROSE: But the clues were always there, it was just my ignorance of them that kept me back.  
ROSE: The biggest hint, in retrospect, was…  
ROSE: Never speak of this again if you value your life, but what started my sojourn of self-discovery was meeting Jade.  
JOHN: wait, you-!  
ROSE: Shhhh!  


You both turn and look at the two dozing across from you. Neither of them stir.  
You start to speak again, ensuring you’re quiet this time.  


JOHN: you have a crush on jade?  
ROSE: Had. I had a crush on Jade. It’s long-gone by now, I assure you.  
JOHN: d’awww!  
JOHN: i think you two would be really cute together.  
ROSE: This is entirely irrelevant.  
ROSE: Listen, John.  
ROSE: I think it’s been established by now that liking “girl things” doesn’t really correlate with your sexuality.   
ROSE: I’m a raging lesbian, and yet most “boy things” do not appeal to me in the slightest.  
ROSE: So, what exactly do *you* think is going on, then?  
JOHN: don’t you have an idea?  
ROSE: I do, but I don’t think it’d do you much good to hear it right now. You go first.  
JOHN: you’re talking about this like i could just be a boy who wears makeup and a skirt and that would be fine.  
ROSE: It would be.  
JOHN: right, but that just feels wrong! not wrong for everyone, but just. wrong for me.  
ROSE: What part of it feels wrong?  


Rose seems excited again. Wherever it is she wants to take you, she seems to think you’re close.  


JOHN: i… i don’t think i have a problem with the dresses or the makeup.  
JOHN: i guess that’s already been established, huh?  
JOHN: the thought of looking…  


You stammer for a bit. The weight of everything you’ve said over the past fifteen minutes or so comes crashing back down upon you, but…  
Rose just looks so eager. Almost as if she’s happy for you? It’s enough to keep you going, at least for now.  


JOHN: the thought of looking pretty, that feels… really nice.  
ROSE: So if the problem with “being a boy who wears makeup and a skirt” isn’t the makeup, or the skirts, it’s…  
JOHN: what are you trying to say, rose?  
JOHN: that i have a problem with being a boy?  


You ponder that for a moment.  


JOHN: fuck.  
JOHN: rose, i don’t think i want to be a boy.  


The room goes silent once more. This time, however, it’s not awkward, or sullen, just suffocating. You feel as though your brain is taking all the oxygen from your lungs just to try to comprehend the words that just left your mouth. You don’t even react to Rose slipping out of her sleeping bag and crawling over to you. You fail to react when she comes over and gives you her patented awkward hug. Only when her stiff arms loosen into something resembling an actual embrace do you begin to cry. First a trickle, then a stream, then a flood of quiet tears erupt from your eyes, accompanied by quiet sobs. Rose quietly strokes your hair and shushes you as you wet her shirt with your eyes. You’re too distracted to even notice she’s not disgusted, or ashamed, or embarrassed. The two of you sit there for a while. Eventually, she retreats back to her bag, scoots it a bit closer to yours and falls asleep. For a few moments, you’re alone, awake, and anxious. You take a deep breath, remind yourself that you’re here, with your friends, and drift off to sleep.


	3. a chatlog

\-- tentacleTherapist [ TT ] began pestering ectoBiologist [ EB ] at [19:23] --  


TT: So.  
TT: I didn’t want to embarrass you in front of our friends this morning, so I dropped the subject of last night’s discussion.  
TT: However, I don’t think it’s a good idea to pretend our conversation never happened.  
TT: So, now that we’ve been sent back to our respective corners of the United States by an imitator of its postal service, I figured I’d be a little more explicit in my advice.  
TT: It’s entirely okay to feel the way you do, John.  
TT: In my own emotional adventure, I stumbled onto a few forums where there were tons of people like you.  
TT: I know the kind of person you are, and I know that any sort of pushing I do will be immediately rejected.  
TT: So I’m going to leave things up to you.  
TT: In this text file I’ve saved a bunch of resources that could be helpful for you.  
\-- tentacleTherapist sent attachment Transgender_Resources.txt --  
TT: At the very least, you should look them over.  
TT: I’ll always be here to talk.  
TT: Okay?  
\-- ectoBiologist is offline! --  
TT: Okay. See you soon, perhaps literally.  


\-- tentacleTherapist [ TT ] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [ EB ] at [19:39] --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! this is my first time publishing, like, anything i've written, so any feedback is appreciated! don't hold back, go wild. i mean don't be an asshole but like if i fucked something up i would like to know y'know
> 
> thanks!

**Author's Note:**

> this was a really personal thing for me to write  
a lot of my personal gender discovery happened late at night talking to friends  
they didn't exactly get it though. i wanted june to have someone who did.  
i suppose this fic is kind of a sort of wish fulfillment after all.


End file.
